"Men are boorish and lazy. Why won't they marry us?"
Millions of fabulous, strong, and independent single women have a problem: They can't find a man to marry. Numerous blogs and articles have been popping up all over the place on this troubling issue.
"Where Have The Good Men Gone?" This infamous article by Kay Hymowitz (which I reviewed here) purports to explain why so many modern, perfect, goddess-like females are loathe to sully themselves with their lowly male counterparts.
Some choice quotes:
Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This "pre-adulthood" has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it's time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn't bring out the best in men.
Really? And what makes "frustrated young women" the best judge of "the best in men" ???
for these women, one key question won't go away: Where have the good men gone? Their male peers often come across as aging frat boys, maladroit geeks or grubby slackers—a gender gap neatly crystallized by the director Judd Apatow in his hit 2007 movie "Knocked Up."
Hmm, it seems that Judd Apatow movies are now an infallible cultural Rosetta Stone. Who knew?
Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man.
Oh, I get it. It all makes sense now. Single women are all strong, independent, and fabulous. She has a right to live her life as she sees fit, and not settle for less than her knight in shining armor. On the other hand, single men are lazy, boorish, and shiftless. We exist only to please and serve women. So we'd better become that knight in shining armor for her, or our lives are meaningless, for we are not a "good man."
"All The Single Ladies." Kate Bolick's rationalization of why she's still single. Some choice quotes:
as women have climbed ever higher (in educational and economic success), men have been falling behind. We’ve arrived at the top of the staircase, finally ready to start our lives, only to discover a cavernous room at the tail end of a party, most of the men gone already, some having never shown up—and those who remain are leering by the cheese table, or are, you know, the ones you don’t want to go out with.
How DARE men have the temerity to not be at the same level of staircase! Those worthless bums!
the decline of males has obviously been bad news for men—and bad news for marriage. For all the changes the institution has undergone, American women as a whole have never been confronted with such a radically shrinking pool of what are traditionally considered to be “marriageable” men—those who are better educated and earn more than they do. So women are now contending with what we might call the new scarcity. Even as women have seen their range of options broaden in recent years—for instance, expanding the kind of men it’s culturally acceptable to be with, and making it okay not to marry at all—the new scarcity disrupts what economists call the “marriage market” in a way that in fact narrows the available choices, making a good man harder to find than ever.
Once again, a "good man" is defined as a man who is more affluent than his spouse. We are walking wallets, and if our wallets are not fatter than a particular woman's, we are unworthy.
My spotty anecdotal findings have revealed that, yes, in many cases, the more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment.
Perish the thought! You mean men are capable of making their own decisions? This must be stopped! She wants to commit, so us men should just get on our knees and obey. However, by the end of the article the author has made peace with her decision to stay single rather than lower her lofty standards.
What strikes me in both of these articles is the unapologetic evaluation of men as dehumanized utilities meant to please women. For decades, men have been getting scolded for supposedly treating women as sex objects. So I find it telling that it is now perfectly acceptable for women to treat men as status objects. Secondly, neither one of the authors bothered to try to see things from the male perspective. Nor did they even, you know, talk to a man and ask his opinion.
Happily, the cacophony of male-bashing, hypocrisy, and propaganda is countered by a fair number of folks who "get it." Among them is the wonderful writer and blogger Suzanne Venker. Recently, Venker wrote the article "Marriage: What's In It For Men?" She makes several cogent points to diagnose the problem. Suzanne Venker was kind enough to quote yours truly as one male opinion on why men aren't getting married.
“From a man’s perspective, men take on an untenable risk. The culture of male disposability runs deep — some say even at the level of our DNA.” Because of this, he says, “Men are making a lifelong commitment to eschew marriage, cohabitation, and even dating in some cases. We do so for all the reasons you can guess, and more. As far as I am concerned, this is the wisest lifestyle decision for men in the United States at this point in time. And I say so as a conservative/libertarian who fully acknowledges the power of a functioning nuclear family.”
Every man who is single-by-choice has his reasons. But I would suggest a fair number of men would cite at least one of the following:
1.
We know the marriage is likely to end in divorce, and we are choosing to not throw ourselves into that particular meat grinder.
2.
We have been told by society how horrible men are since the day we were born. We figure if every woman is unfathomably superior to us, and better off without us, we might as well plan a fulfilling life without women.
3.
We have greater priorities in life right now than marriage and children.
Maybe, just maybe, men are strong and independent too. Maybe we have our own reasons to not make ourselves a success utility to please women. But no matter what we think. We have been deemed unworthy, sexist, immature, lazy, and shiftless. So we'd better run out of our hovels and propose to the first single woman we meet. But not before we magically transform ourselves into an educated, affluent, and handsome professional. She deserves it!
Note to all the single ladies:
If you are a woman who wants to marry, I think that's great and I wish you the best. However, I humbly submit that popular culture is not giving you very good advice on how to find the right person. You need to be willing to evaluate yourself honestly. Look at the men you find to be desirable marriage material. Evaluate what they want in life, and what they want in a woman. Ask yourself "What do I have to offer that man as a mate?" If you do not feel you're going to fetch the man you feel you deserve, then work on yourself. And, I hate to say it, but your options are limited to the men who are available, interested in you, and willing to marry. By the way, I give all of this advice to men too so I'm not trying to be a churl.
On the other hand, you could join some of the writers above and try berating your dream man into wanting to marry you. But I think we both know that's not going to work.
